“A miscarriage is a real loss that can affect you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But those who haven’t experienced a miscarriage may not understand how deeply it is affecting you because people rarely talk openly about pregnancy loss.” (By Christiane Manzella, PhD in Psycology today)
Often people don’t view pregnancy loss as significant because the pregnancy was short. But the duration of a pregnancy does not determine the bond that you can feel with a baby you have lost. And research shows there is no relationship between the length of time a woman was pregnant and how long she will grieve the loss of that child.
While some Kenyans are celebrating the winners in this elections and others are mourning/grieving the loss in the elections, I am mourning the loss of my 5th pregnancy. Believe you me miscarriage is a big loss and every time I have lost, I behave differently. In 2014 when I experienced the 3rd miscarriage I lost my sanity. I got into a depression. I could drive from home not knowing where I was going just to find myself in the middle of nowhere. Thank God I could trace my way back home.
Other times I would cry myself out, blame myself for doing or not doing one thing or another, other times after crying I would get back to work and work like crazy. For me all these have been different ways of coping with the grief.
So this morning I have been wondering and asking myself, why would God take me through this one thing so many times? Is it that I do not learn the lessons? He is a purposeful God, what is this purpose he want to accomplish by taking me through this 5 times? The bible says that there is nothing that come to us without his knowledge, meaning he allows it. Why does he allow me to conceive if he doesn’t want me to have the baby? And I can go on and on with all these questions. But you know what? My questions will not change who God is, why he does it and how he does it.
While loosing an election is not as bad as loosing a baby, given the emotional, physical and financial investment involved in running the campaigns I think loosing is tough. It feels like a miscarriage. Allow me to talk about these elections results even though they are still provisional as I write this. On the presidential results, am not sure i understand what baba and some of his supporters could be feeling but I believe the pain is real. Before I conceived the baby I just lost yesterday, I had a dream and I had seen I had gotten a baby girl and we called her Joy Sifa, she was 3.95kgs and everybody in the dream was saying that was too heavy for a new born girl, how did you push? they would ask. So when I conceived in the month of June, I was very sure that this was a baby girl that I had seen in the dream. Believe me I did everything womanly possible to ensure this pregnancy would get to maturity. I stopped working and only worked when I felt like, I took the pregna care religiously, anyway I did my best. Just to get to the 9th week and oops spotting, get to my gyna and oops, am cramping. The gyna gives me some hormones to stop the contractions and the bleeding. The pain gets even more and am admitted for observation. I go for a scan and the baby is intact but still bleeding and cramping. To say the least the pains were wild and eventually we lost.
So what does this have to do with baba? It is painful to loose and especially when it is the 4th time, he and the team could probably have put their properties on auction to fund the campaigns. Then when you have thought, finally this is our turn, the last hope,it’s like a miscarriage. Well, unlike miscarriage politics is a strategy but we always do our best to win, you do everything politically possible as far as you are concerned but you eventually loose. Please understand and pray for those who have lost or will loose, it’s painful and sometimes you just need people to support you and not ask too many questions. You don’t have to keep telling them they lost, support and understand.
I honestry feel the loss but you know what? Life must continue. My gyna who has watched me go through this atleast 3 times told me ” Eunice, what do you want to be remembered for?” I told him as a great mother and wife and a woman who had an impact on her generation. He told me ” I know you can impact lives, please focus on that” while the joy and the desire of any mother is to suckle her child on her breasts, and while having a child makes a woman fill fulfilled, I think I can focus on the higher calling. I can focus on impacting my generation.
I think the same can be said to those who have lost in the elections and those who are losing in other areas. Please focus on your higher calling, thank God you are alive and can still impact your generation with or without the position of power. Yes, we can leave a legacy. Let’s move on and get to work.